038 – PT19 – Undressing Anger

Undressing Anger is like pealing onion ~ Unpleasant at first, but once revealed it ain’t so bad.

Time to Undress Anger and show it for what it is...sometimes scary, but no so bad.

Time to Undress Anger and show it for what it is…sometimes scary, but no so bad.

 Yes, anger is banking on you not knowing what to do, what to say and what to think.

Anger loves the “what’s” that create confusion and chaos. But, with a little bit of know-how you can peal away at anger and undress its flame.

And it gets better!

All we have to do is peal away the onion and anger one layer at a time.

In this episode I share a pivotal moment for me when I “got” anger for the first time and eliminated the odor.

It all began, while researching on the cause and effect of anger and writing what is today known as the Response Curriculum. I came across an article written by Dr. Barry J. Nigrosh titled “Physical Contact Skills in Specialized Training for Prevention and Management o f Violence” which referred to the Fear of Loss of Self-Control as the generalized cause of anger and aggression.

Ah-Ha! I thought. That makes absolute sense, but what followed in that article from 1983 has stuck with me ever since –

  1. The attack or violent episode gives the person a brief moment of power and thus relief from feeling hopelessness.
  1. The person fears losing control, they feel power from the violent act, but it also stirs up an immense amount of anxiety internally.

With these two layers I began approaching anger from a whole new direction and no longer feared it, because it’s stink no longer stuck. :)

Listen to the full podcast here and learn how to use these two statements to undress anger in your own backyard.

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037-PT18- Upside of Confrontation

Confrontation has a bad reputation. We consider it both, obnoxious and ineffective. And for the most part that is absolutely true, but for every truth there is an exception.

In this episode,

I explore the exception to the rule and call it the

“Upside of Confrontation”, aka, This Unruly Intervention’s Positive Attributes +++

Wouldn't you prefer to be on the winning side of a confrontation?

Wouldn’t you prefer to be on the winning side of a confrontation?

To get to the Upside, we must first clarify the Downside, so you can stay on track and keep moving forward.

3 Notable Downsides

1- If this is your only way to manage conflict it will weaken your authority. Read: people begin to both expect your rants and thus ignore you.

2- The person you are confronting might seek retaliation.

3-It is a less than perfect role model for how-to manage conflict, because it is rarely done well.

4-Confrontation doesn’t provide an exit.

What is an exit? Find out more via Episode 30-Pt13-Create Exits

Upside to Confrontation:

Sometimes it works!

A well-placed confrontation can create scene safety.

A well-placed confrontation can create scene safety.

A well-placed confrontation requires perfect timing. The following are 3-key elements to using this technique well.

1-Make sure you can keep yourself safe, if you become a target of aggression, after confronting someone.

2-Be clear and concise with your statements.

3-Act without ego, as your driver.

When do I use confrontation?

When a person is being bullied

When I see an injustice

Make sure you are speaking an authentic truth, like I did in episode 31-Pt14- Give Conflict an Action. In that episode I asked the angry young man to “Walk with me. Please”, but before that point when the crowd was gathering and wanted to see a fight, I began chanting “No fighting here, there are children.” It was both a direct message and an authentic truth that is hard to argue.

Listen to this episode now  and hear my background story of a Confrontation that worked.

036-PT17 – Opening the Blindside

Angry, fearful, traumatized and even over exuberant people all have one thing in common. They only see what is directly in front of them. Figuratively speaking, they are walking as if they are wearing blinders, like a horse does when pulling a carriage.

This photo shows us exactly what a horse can see when they are wearing blinders. Use this imagine to determine where to stand when your goal is to speak to the person, not their blindside.

This photo shows us exactly what a horse can see when they are wearing blinders. Use this imagine to determine where to stand when your goal is to speak to the person, not their blindside.

If you are attempting to help a person in distress who is unaware of you because you are standing on their blindside, then you are essentially wasting your breath and most likely…a whole lot of words.

Why? People have a blindside when chaos is present in the form of anger, fear, trauma and slap happy drunkenness. Each of these emotions can consume our clarity.

In this episode I unveil how to make sure you are talking to the person and not their blindside.

Below are 4-opening for the blindside, but if you listen to the podcast you will get a whole lot more info on each technique.

1. Position yourself diagonally off to the side of the person, when speaking.

Avoid talking to them like a Drill Sargent would on the side and into the person’s ear.

They won’t see you.

2. Use your hands to create movement and direct the person towards your voice.

Make sure to use both hands.

3. Nod your head in the direction that you want the person to move.

4. Use Civility. Like Excuse me, Thank you for listening and Walk with me. Please. I have a dedicated podcast to this topic here.  Ep:027-PT10-Story-Civilty Works

Great British Bed Push Update

Roise Mai Iredale had to soup up her bed and put on fancy new wheels.

New wheels on #RosieMai bed for #GreatBritishBedPush

New wheels on #RosieMai bed for #GreatBritishBedPush

She trucked the bed north to Scotland and will be pushing the bed to south England.

Listen to my interview with Rosie Mai Ep:034-Special-Great British Bed Push

Follow along on our twitter chat by using #GreatBritishBedPush

And @leadingchaos and @FullReach

 

 

 

035-Breathe to Relax

How often do you take time to Breathe to Relax. Sure you think about it, but doing it can be oh, so hard. The Breathe2Relax App not only guides you, but provides real time data on your rate of respiration and your level of stress.

Take time to Breathe to Relax

Take time to Breathe to Relax

In this podcast I will provide you with the opportunity to breathe along as we sort through the Breathe to Relax App. This App is from The National Center for Telehealth & Technology which is a component center of the Defense Centers of Excellence for Psychological Health and Traumatic Brain Injury (DCoE). 

The App is really worthwhile for helping you manage the worst of days and the best of days and when you can’t slow down your breath.

Chaos love it when we feel out of sorts, so why not try the free Breathe2Relax App now.

Do subscribe to this podcast on iTunes and please leave a review and rating.

034-Special-Great British Bed Push

The Great British Bed Push is Rosie Mai Iredale’s biggest challenge yet for her charity – Full Reach. She is pushing a bed 1,200-miles from London to Scotland, to raise funds for building a home for vulnerable children.

Full Reach founder, Rosie Mai Iredale, is pushing a bed from London to Scotland.

Full Reach founder, Rosie Mai Iredale, is pushing a bed from London to Scotland.

Rosie Mai is the founder of Full Reach and this is not her first challenge, albeit is it the greatest thus far. She has already lived off of only 1-pound per day for 30-days and during another challenge lived for 4-days without the ability to see, hear or speak.

She sets off on May 1, 2015 to not only raise awareness for the need of beds for vulnerable children, but to actually raise funds to build a Children’s Home. This enterprising 25-year-old will don pajamas and sleep in the 110-pound bed each night. She is relying on good weather, kind people and safe havens, as she travels north.

Listen to her story behind the bed push and donate today to Full Reach.

http://www.fullreach.co.uk/reach/

http://www.fullreach.co.uk/reach/

Follow along on her quest and give her a shout our via twitter @fullreach

Look to her youtube channel for updates and past and present challenges.

See Rosie’s bed under construction 

033-PT16-Resolution REVOLUTION!

What happens at the end of a conflict? Do you shake hands and part? Run in the opposite direction? Maybe…or maybe your ready for a Resolution REVOLUTION!

No need to solve every dang conflict that arises, when all you really have to do is Confirm Scene Safety.

Yep – Is that rock science or what?

Bada Boom, Bada Bing

Shaking hands is for sealing deals.

Shaking hands is for sealing deals.

I know some people will differ with my opinion. Gasp! …and want to do a ton of work and try to solve the conflict as if it is a scene of a crime. But, alas this wouldn’t be a Resolution REVOLUTION if I was just following the crowd and trying to do it the same way as everyone else. BORING.

Okay so I am a bit punchy writing this bit of news, but then again it is a mini revolution and BIG letters work well for such things.

Listen to this podcast and set yourself free from way too much work. Just confirm scene safety – that alone is a type of resolution.

If you are ready to really seize the day and manage resolution fully, listen to 032-PT15-Don’t Sweat Conflict Resolution and set yourself free :) from chaos leading you.

032-Pt15- Don’t Sweat Conflict Resolution

Don’t sweat conflict resolution. Conflict is rarely resolved and typically fools us by morphing into a new form. So don’t sweat it – because you are not alone.

You are in the company of billions of people, who are stuck on the word “Resolution” as if it is the end all of a conflict.

"Working Towards Conflict Resolution" via Communication Skills, increases the opportunity of achieving Resolution.

“Working Towards Conflict Resolution” via Communication Skills, increases the opportunity of achieving Resolution.

Don’t sweat Conflict Resolution.

Don’t believe me? Well then, ask yourself, “When was the last time, I resolved a conflict?”

Still thinking? Don’t sweat it. You are working harder than you need to and it is time to give yourself a break.

What do I propose instead? Good question.

I think first, Don’t Sweat Conflict Resolution.

As it stands alone, it is insurmountable. Conflict is born of behavior. The behaviors that we bring into a conflict impact how we communicate when we are in conflict with others. So where are you going to put your hard earn time? Working towards a nearly unsolvable quest – like resolving a conflict or working on your conflict management skills which are basically:

How you communicate.

I like to begin with the 2-words “Working Towards” Conflict Resolution to qualify what my actual goal is.

Feels simple doesn’t it. And it should.

Don’t sweat Conflict Resolution, it will only bring you down every time the same conflict resurfaces again and again.

Listen along to this 12-minute episode – and I guarantee by the end you will feel as I do: Don’t Sweat Conflict Resolution.

031 – Pt14 – Give Conflict an Action

At the Bread and Puppet Circus - an outdoor scene that took place every summer in Vermont.

Can violence happen at happy, outdoor, family events like Bread and Puppet Circus? Yes. Knowing what to do and what to say can make a bad scene safe.

Conflict is an action, like a Swinging Angry Man (SAM). Try to contain SAM and he won’t be happy. What to do instead? Give SAM a doable, “safe” action.

What is a doable action? Something, that I know SAM can successfully do and help him move that anger out of his system like,

  • Walking
  • Turning
  • Stepping
  • Looking

The bonus of providing a doable action is that it creates an opening and thus an exit for SAM out of the volatile scene at hand. The last podcast was on Creating an Exit and it will provide you with great info on the power of an Exit and how to create an exit… Now back to SAM.

Instead of telling SAM to “stop swinging” I can say, “Take a step back” or “Lift your arms” Both doable actions.

or I can say my favorite phrase, “Walk with me Please.”

In this podcast episode, I discuss an epic crisis intervention that I took part in at a remote setting – read: farmer’s field. I was camped out waiting for the Bread and Puppet Circus to begin. Thousands of people use to camp out in northern Vermont for a weekend event of puppets and pageantry at the Bread and Puppet base in Glover, Vermont. I was camping with family and friends on a field when a fight broke out at a nearby encampment of circus goers.

The scene had a real potential to escalate into a fist fight or worse. I provided the parties involved with an action and made a bad scene safe. I used the “Walk with me Please” phrase and it worked like a charm.

You can read along with me via my book: Leading Chaos; An Essential Guide to Conflict Management Revised Edition 2010.  Go to page 59 and the scenario called Creating an Alliance at the Campground

Paperback link

eBook Link

Part 14-Give Conflict an Action

 

 

030-PT13 – Story – Create an Exit

Creating an Exit is like saying, “Come on along and begin anew.” It’s like a perfect pot of tea; warm and inviting. A true opportunity for new beginnings.

Everybody likes to Exit, whether it is getting off a highway or getting out of a tight spot like a bad argument. No matter how you slice it, we have all longed for an Exit at one time or another.

Everybody needs to A "Push this button to Exit." when tempers are flaring.

Everybody needs to A “Push this button to Exit.” when tempers are flaring.

Recall for a moment the last time you were in an endless argument just waiting for an exit to appear. It might not have looked pretty (someone leaves and slams the door), but exits always happen – whether good or bad.

Through my work in crisis intervention, I have learned to never, ever take a good exit for granted. I have also learned that exits aren’t one sided; “This exit is mine and that exit is yours.” When the shoes are hitting the fan, all exits are fair game, BUT some will take you upward and some will take you down. Luckily we do have a choice and can Create the perfect Exit.

Consider Creating an Exit as the key to Making a Scene Safe.

In this podcast I go over a bunch of options for “Making an unsafe scene, safe”. Yes indeed, when we Create Scene Safety we are, Creating an Exit!

Create your own Exit and download this podcast now.

The following Power Point Slide is from the Response Crisis Intervention Curriculum. Note Create an Exit is at the bottom and is taught in this curriculum as a specific skill for creating an exit for a colleague during a crisis intervention – listen to the podcast and find out how.

Response Crisis Intervention Curriculum - Make the Scene Safe ppt

Response Crisis Intervention Curriculum – Make the Scene Safe ppt

 

Ep29-PT12-Story-Feel Look Listen

Crisis intervention is about “staying in the beginner’s mindset” and noticing what others overlook. Learn how to use 3 key steps: Feel, Look, Listen to help you remain focused and safe.

Being in the Beginner's Mindset allows us to see beyond the mundane.

Being in the Beginner’s Mindset allows us to see beyond the mundane.

Imagine the following true life scenario: Two men were shouting and making a scene at the cafe, yet when Mrs. Temple, an octogenarian, walked up and poured her hot coffee on the big guy – both men stepped back.

This scene was not safe and Mrs. Temple was undeniably courting with danger.

Chock it up to sheer luck for Mrs. Temple.

Sometimes the uncanny works, but more often than not you will always be the smartest person on the block when you think before proceeding into danger.

In this episode we begin Chapter 4

of my book

Leading Chaos: An Essential Guide to Conflict Management 

titled

“Is the Scene Safe?”

I am discussing how to evaluate when a Scene is Safe and when it is not.

You can assess scene safety by using these three cues –  Feel, Look, Listen

Feel, Look, Listen might seem super basic yet,  brilliant people put themselves at risk every day because we tend to make the simple complex.

The Feel, Look, Listen assessment is part of every professional

First Responder’s protocol.

See below how the Response Curriculum uses the basic first aid tools of Feel, Look, Listen to assess scene safety.

To Feel, Look and Listen is first step of Scene Safety Assessment. Power Point Slide from Response Curriculum.

To Feel, Look and Listen is the first step of Scene Safety Assessment. Power Point Slide from Response Curriculum.

Listen along and find out how you can use Feel, Look, and Listen as an assessment tools to keep yourself safe.