Archives for July 2015

047-PT28 – Having You @Hello

Step 1 of connecting begins by saying, “Hello”. This single word delivers a clear message, “Yes, I see you. You are important!”

When the person you are speaking to is angry and upset, continue to use words that not only keep your initial connection alive, but thriving.

Create connection by moving from our heart

This episode brings is on Tip #8 of the 10 Tips for Redirecting Conflict. Which in my book is Titled as:

Avoid Objectifying Yourself

“The rules are …”
“The Program says that …”
“In this house…”

Are three perfect examples of how we can immediately drop our connection and dehumanize ourself. If we are speaking to Mr. Angry then the chances are that we are no longer being seen as Ria, Joe or Laureen, but as The Rule – The Program – The House.

And worse yet it is very easy to commit violence against inanimate objects.

Instead of saying a rule statement: “You know the rules of this house! Wash your dishes.”

Try an I statement: “When I found the dirty dishes, I felt angry and upset. I’d appreciate it if you could wash them when you are done eating.”

Hello is a nice beginning, but you can shorten this to Hi, Hey – make sure it fits you, but isn’t so comfortable that you resort back to old habits of disconnecting.

Listen along to the episode as I detail more about this Tip with a story about a shoplifter and what I learned about Having You @Hello

046-PT26- Say What?

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What – symbolizes disconnect. Keep communication easy by abiding by one simple truth: People like to know that they are being heard – Be an Active listener.

We rely on active listeners to rely via physical and verbal clues that “Yes, Indeed I am heard.” There is really no better feeling that knowing your message was relayed.

And yet…more often than not…When we are stuck in the muck we disconnect and end up not hearing the speaker and need to ask “What?” “What’s that?” way too much.

Do not fear – their is hope for all of use to perfect the art of active listening. Not only is it pretty easy, but I have some simple phrases that help me when I need to listen, but might also be having a hard time.

Here is my short list for Instead of saying What?

– Please say more
– Say more
– Could you say more?
– Please go on

When you use these easy phrases with a bit of physical encouragement like:

Nodding
Open stance
Indirect eye contact
Tilted head

Yow! Life gets a whole lot easier.

Listen to this podcast and find out more tips on how to use Active Listening and avoid the “What?”

Listen to my interview with Rosie Mai Ep:034-Special-Great British Bed Push

Go Rosie – Great British Bed Push

Follow along on our twitter chat by using #GreatBritishBedPush

And @leadingchaos and @FullReach

045-PT26- The Invitation

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Avoid inciting, use words that are inviting.

We are discussing Tip 6 of the Ten Tips for Redirecting Conflict in my book Leading Chaos; An Essential Guide to Conflict Management.

In the book, I titled this Tip 6: Be Mindful of Words that Incite. There are a lot of words and phrases that come to mind, but to say “Calm Down” has to be the most inciting phrase of all.

The funny thing is that when we say this phrase we do so because we want to help. Unfortunately, our best intentions get railroaded and we not only incite the person further, but shut down our initial invitation to move through the crisis.

The person in crisis hears “Calm Down”

And they think: Calm What?

My actions?

My words?

My thoughts?

The Invitation was meant to help the person, perhaps slow down their speech, stop moving around, and to work with you. But instead of clearly saying, “I want to hear, please speak clearly.” We shorten our invitation to converse by saying “Calm Down”

Here are some other phrases to avoid:

Think instead, What is it about her person that is not calm and tell them directly. Not only will it help them, but it will help you and your invitation to open communication.

Go ahead and download The Invitation and let’s enjoy a bit of you and me time as we both polish our crisis intervention skills and continue to work towards keep ourself safe and the scene at hand safe too.

044-PT25- Savvy Turtle

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Who or what…is best known for setting the pace, of any race, and always finishing on top? Still guessing – well, while you are trying to figure that out the Savvy Turtle is already two strides ahead of the game. Yes indeed, The Savvy Turtle always finishes first.

Admit it and save yourself some time. You simply won’t win a race with a turtle. Instead, embrace the pace. Be one with the Way of the Turtle.

Yo- time to get your Savvy Turtle mojo

The Way of the Turtle is undoubtedly a high level skill for many crisis interveners. Why? When chaos enters a room there is an immediate up swell of fear, misinformation, and distress. All that yuck leads us to irrational decision making.

Irrational decision making is best known as: A Knee jerk decision. Meaning, we jump to conclusions and excelerate to a ridiculous pace that is not sustainable. This ridiculous pace in turns feeds the confusion and makes chaos very happy indeed.

Advance practitioners in the field of crisis intervention know that you embrace the Savvy Turtle Way

How to Find you Savvy Turtle Way

1. First you read Leading Chaos; An Essential Guide to Conflict Management. Go to page 90 and begin practicing the 10-tips to Redirection Conflict. Tip #4 & 5 work well together.

2. Practice Taking One Step at Time

Once you get this practice down…or at least get a sense of what you can gain when you take one step at a time – you will love doing the Slow Dance. If you don’t know what the Slow Dance is listen to the previous episode 043-PT23- Slow Dance.

3. Set the Pace– this is covered on page 99 in the book.

To become the turtle you must own up to every time you ever allowed yourself to be swayed by another person’s frenetic energy.

Instead (as it reads from my book) – Avoid matching an angry person’ level of agitation. If a person get agitated because you are not going fast enough Be a Savvy Turtle – Your only goal right then is to keep the scene safe –

A person who feels that nothing and no one is helping him will not be helped by others who match his frenetic energy.

And – for those who listened and want to hear the Drop the Content episode- click Drop the Content

Okay time to listen to this podcast and get the tips and stories of Savvy Turtle tips – and begin practicing the Way of the Savvy Turtle.

043-PT24- Slow Dance

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Learn the Slow Dance Methodology and turn your biggest challenges and toughest adversaries into smooth stepping partners on the dance floor of life.

We can all benefit from knowing how to ~ Slow Dance

You know you are a Slow Dancer when you maintaing the pace of “one step at a time” even as everyone around you is vying to make the dance go faster you continue with a steady and rhythmic pace of one step at a time.

Not only will that make you stand out on the ball room dance floor it will also make you stand out in a crowd when chaos is around.

Chaos fears the Slow Dancer, because he or she will not allow themselves to be directed by the events at hand. Even when everything and everyone around the Slow Dancer begins to swirl out of control – the Slow Dancer remains steady-on.

Here are the 4-Key steps for beginning a Slow Dance with a distressed person

1- Normalize our rate of respiration – focus on inhalation and exhalation

2- Water – get or have the person get a glass of water

The act of drinking water requires us to drink slowly

3 – Sit down – have the person sit down while they are talking to you

4 – Ask, “When was the last time you ate?”

Food is grounding. They can get some crackers to chew on and help them get grounded before they do anything else.

The key is to slow down our tasks and notice each step along the way. As we practice we are able to call upon the skill of Taking One Step at a time

Read along with me. I am on page 97 of

Leading Chaos; An Essential Guide to Conflict Management